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Chris and Jo's spaceLife after Jo - or how to be a widowed parent
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July 15 New startI made a promise to myself that I wouldn't make any big changes in my or Harvey's lives for at least a year after Jo had died.
I know that I already broke that promise a little, with a new relationship. This is still strong - and we see each other as often as possible. In fact, I am meeting her tomorrow for a little shopping trip.
Anyway, back to my point.
On 5 June (one day before the year was up) I was shown an advert for a job opportunity in the local paper. So, I put in an application in just to see what happened.
I had a mild panic attack when I was sent a letter inviting me to interview. I also had to do a 10 minute presentation on my ideas for an e-commerce strategy. This was the tricky bit for me, but in the end was quite fun.
Well, I accepted the job this week, and told my work colleagues today.
I am now on 13 weeks notice - and will then start as Web Manager & e-Commerce Developer for Weldmar Hospicecare Trust.
Can't believe that this has happened. I get to do a job I am good at, for an organisation that I respect, and that helped Jo, Harvey and I so much. And for a bit more money too! I am so happy, but scared too.
Typically, I am also in the middle of helping to raise funds for Weldmar.
If you want to help us - then have a look at http://www.justgiving.com/jorassicjaunt
June 06 12 MonthsHarvey and I have just reached the 12 month barrier. This time last year I was helping Harvey understand that Jo had just died.
From now on, we cannot say 'this time last year' anymore. Everything has changed for us.
So much has happened in one year. Harvey has turned six (nearly seven now); I have returned to work full time; Harvey has a new routine for before and after school; I have made some very close new friends and have met an incredible lady.
I promised myself that I would make no big changes in our lives within the first year - but that went out the window after my first trip to the island in February.
Now I am thinking more about our future (mine and Harvey's). I am still uncertain about what will happen in the next few years. I am not keen to change too much, too quickly - but I am aware that change is the one true constant. I am a planner - I like to know what's happening, and when. But now I can't. Jo was always so certain about what we were doing, and where we were going in life. Now, I have to make those decisions and it's really, really hard. Even finding a new car after my other one was written off became a complete drama for me.
I'm sure it will become much easier as we travel on - especially when my little lad starts to make his own decisions about life.
Today has gone in a bit of a blur. I tried to go in to work - but only lasted a couple of hours before I felt the need to leg it. I think that everyone at work was surprised when I went in - but not when I ran away.
I spent about an hour or so at Jo's grave, first of all tidying it up with my shears and then just sitting in the sunshine, thinking about her and what she would be saying to me if she could. I could hear her laughing and joking with Harvey - sharing our love for him and each other.
Jo's friends (Jo, Sarah and Cheryl) came to see her too, and they also laid some flowers, stones and shells. It's a shame that I hadn't ordered her stone in time for today - but I am sure she would have understood. We then went to the beach for lunch, and met Esther, Jo's Mum and Sister and other friends at Jo's favourite spot. Little Jo had the Scallops in Big Jo's honour.
I am now sitting in the garden - and I can 'hear' Jo telling me to mow the lawn and do some weeding. Harvey has gone off with Jo's sister for an adventure, so I have an hour or so to myself. I'm not sure I like being alone anymore.
I am so glad that I have so many friends around. Ones here, in person - and those online. Both have helped me get to where I am now. Looking to the future, and wondering what will happen. Not in fear anymore.
For those reading this, thank you. From both me and my little boy - who looks more like Jo every day.
And to my Island Princess, thank you so much for all that you have said and done these last few months. I love you, x March 15 30,004This blog has just reached, for me, a key number - over 30,000 page views.
I find this hard to believe - that I have written something interesting enough to keep folk coming back. Thank you to everyone that has been reading, and to those that have left comments or added me as a friend. It has meant a lot to me to know that there are people out there. More than you could possibly understand.
My trip to meet my new special friend was amazing. We share so much in common, including a sadness.
I met her (respecting her privacy, so no names) because of the club no-one wants to join.
WAY (Widowed and Young) has a very strong online prescence - a messageboard and a chatroom. I originally spent a great deal of time in both. I still do, but not as much as in the early days last year; June through to December. I think we spend more time on Facebook (and me on Myspace).
My Island Princess was the first person to contact me from the WAY messageboard - after reading this blog and noting some strong resonances with her own 'journey'. More than just strong, her husband died from the same disease in almost the same circumstances as Jo. So, we have more in common than most members of our club.
She is also from the north and living in the south (although from the wrong side of the pennines) with one child.
There are a lot of differences too - but (to quote a phrase) vive la difference!
So far, me and H have travelled to the Island twice - and had a fantastic time on both occasions - and we have had a grown up weekend together at a hotel in Solihull.
As she said to me - she is my every other weekend girl.
Solihull was an interesting weekend. This was the AGM of the WAY foundation. Apart from the chance to spend time with my new lady without children (or dogs!) I got to meet up with online friends, WAY pals I had already met, new friends - and to hear people speak at the 'main event' on the Saturday.
The lady from Winston's Wish was my highlight. Along with the quiz from Mahmud and Shaz. I think that M and S are brilliant - S did sooo much to organise the event, but I know that M supported her so well through this, and that he does so much for our organisation all the time.
It was also great to spend some time with my new little sister - the pink princess. I just hope she realises how important she is to me now. She is an inspiration - an example of how to cope with more kids than hands, and still be smiling. What a gal. And she knows she is invited down here whenever she wants, with the entire brood x
The next time with my new squeeze (wow) is the coming bank holiday. Strike permitting (conveniently, on the same day as she travels) my princess, her daughter and dog will be in our mighty town on 20 March.
I cannot wait, and am back to counting sleeps.
She truly is a wonderful lady. I feel so lucky to have made such a strong connection with someone who shares so much. I'm not sure I could connect with anyone else - with anyone who doesn't 'get' it without having been there. We know so much, so that we don't need to discuss it all. But - we both know that we can bring up, talk about, mention our lost partners and understand that it won't 'hurt' the other. in fact, we know it's healthy and normal.
The only barrier we have found so far is a physical one. As my wonderful lady puts it - the f*cking Solent. She has found out that Tesco vouchers can be use to pay the ferry. The only reason I have ever found to use a club card.
We both know it is early days - but both wear our hearts on our sleeves, and both agree that we are 'all or nothing'. I am enjoying the texts, online chats and weekends together.
Who knows, one day soon we might be as close physically as we are emotionally. Hope so, x January 29 How to talk to a widowerI was recommended a book, via the WAY messageboard and then by someone I chat to on Messenger. ‘How to talk to a widower’ by Jonathan Tropper. So far, I am enjoying it, which I know may sound an odd word to use. There are many mirrors within it to my new life - much that is very different though. It’s an easy read, and has a nice sense of humour about what could be very morbid. It has also made me think more about Jo’s grave – and her gravestone. It’s time to sort that out now. I know what she would want, not that we talked specifically about it. Just something simple - her name, her dates, maybe a carving of an iris and one short line from something. Perhaps her poem about Harvey. I just need to contact the person in charge of the cemetery, and a mason – which I promise I will do soon. About half way through the book, I found this passage. I think it explains why I don’t visit the cemetery very often:
For me, Jo isn’t there. That’s just a place to visit – hopefully somewhere that Harvey can connect with on those special dates. I wonder if once we have a marker, it will become more of a focus for him? We only tend to visit now and then. Sometimes I suggest it, sometimes he does and I know that sometimes Jo’s mum takes him, which pleases me. We never stay long though. Like Mr Tropper said above, Jo isn’t there. For me, Jo is in Harvey – and always will be. The book also looks at ‘moving on’. The main character is always being pushed,by his family, his friends, to ‘move on’. To engage with life again, and make a fresh start. I feel a certain empathy with him – the dichotomy of being a grieving partner, but also still a human being. And a young one at that (not 40 yet mate!). Guilt has played such a large part in my life for some time now. Am I doing the right thing for Jo, am I caring enough for her, could I do more, etc. Lately, it has been ‘am I grieving enough?’. I can see now that this actually means ‘Do I think I am being seen to grieve enough by my family, Jo’s family and our friends’. I was also worried that I was perhaps being seen to be moving through the grief process far too fast. What garbage! And I am glad that I can finally see this now. I think that joining WAY, talking to other widow(er)s and making new friendships has helped me to move through this mindset. I have also found new connections in my life, unexpected ones. I haven’t been searching for anything, anyone - but something, someone, has found me. And I am happy. Such a small simple word, but fairly loaded. We’ll both have a better understanding of what the future holds soon but, right this minute, it is right and real and scary and exciting - to need and be needed. Three more sleeps! December 27 RodWe have had a Weymouth, a Leeds and a Bradford Christmas so far this week. And they have all gone fine, with only one slight wobble from us both. Not bad for our first without Jo and my Dad.
Christmas Day at my auntie's ended bizzarely. I would never have imagined having to help rod the drains after the toilet blocked. That's enough on that one anyway!
H is now a guitar hero, I'm so proud. My stepdad connected him up to some pedals and a Marshall amp - and he has been promised his Fender if he learns how to play. Dave Grohl, watch out.
It's nice to be with family (and not to have to cook!) and to see H being happy, especially with Lyd and his cousin William (who's 18 months, and has learnt H's name).
The time is going fast though, and we're hurtling towards the new year. I wonder what that will bring?
Our world tour of England will continue then, with a trip to the Isle of Wight to see another of my new, and very special, friends. Can't wait!
See you all next year.
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