Chris and Jo's space

New start

Tue, 15 Jul 2008 21:39:30 GMT

I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't make any big changes in my or Harvey's lives for at least a year after Jo had died.

I know that I already broke that promise a little, with a new relationship. This is still strong - and we see each other as often as possible. In fact, I am meeting her tomorrow for a little shopping trip.

Anyway, back to my point.

On 5 June (one day before the year was up) I was shown an advert for a job opportunity in the local paper. So, I put in an application in just to see what happened.

I had a mild panic attack when I was sent a letter inviting me to interview. I also had to do a 10 minute presentation on my ideas for an e-commerce strategy. This was the tricky bit for me, but in the end was quite fun.

Well, I accepted the job this week, and told my work colleagues today.

I am now on 13 weeks notice - and will then start as Web Manager & e-Commerce Developer for Weldmar Hospicecare Trust.

Can't believe that this has happened. I get to do a job I am good at, for an organisation that I respect, and that helped Jo, Harvey and I so much. And for a bit more money too! I am so happy, but scared too.

Typically, I am also in the middle of helping to raise funds for Weldmar.

If you want to help us - then have a look at http://www.justgiving.com/jorassicjaunt

12 Months

Fri, 06 Jun 2008 16:05:33 GMT

Harvey and I have just reached the 12 month barrier. This time last year I was helping Harvey understand that Jo had just died.

From now on, we cannot say 'this time last year' anymore. Everything has changed for us.

So much has happened in one year. Harvey has turned six (nearly seven now); I have returned to work full time; Harvey has a new routine for before and after school; I have made some very close new friends and have met an incredible lady.

I promised myself that I would make no big changes in our lives within the first year - but that went out the window after my first trip to the island in February.

Now I am thinking more about our future (mine and Harvey's). I am still uncertain about what will happen in the next few years. I am not keen to change too much, too quickly - but I am aware that change is the one true constant. I am a planner - I like to know what's happening, and when. But now I can't. Jo was always so certain about what we were doing, and where we were going in life. Now, I have to make those decisions and it's really, really hard. Even finding a new car after my other one was written off became a complete drama for me.

I'm sure it will become much easier as we travel on - especially when my little lad starts to make his own decisions about life.

Today has gone in a bit of a blur. I tried to go in to work - but only lasted a couple of hours before I felt the need to leg it. I think that everyone at work was surprised when I went in - but not when I ran away.

I spent about an hour or so at Jo's grave, first of all tidying it up with my shears and then just sitting in the sunshine, thinking about her and what she would be saying to me if she could. I could hear her laughing and joking with Harvey - sharing our love for him and each other.

Jo's friends (Jo, Sarah and Cheryl) came to see her too, and they also laid some flowers, stones and shells. It's a shame that I hadn't ordered her stone in time for today - but I am sure she would have understood. We then went to the beach for lunch, and met Esther, Jo's Mum and Sister and other friends at Jo's favourite spot. Little Jo had the Scallops in Big Jo's honour.

I am now sitting in the garden - and I can 'hear' Jo telling me to mow the lawn and do some weeding. Harvey has gone off with Jo's sister for an adventure, so I have an hour or so to myself. I'm not sure I like being alone anymore.

I am so glad that I have so many friends around. Ones here, in person - and those online. Both have helped me get to where I am now. Looking to the future, and wondering what will happen. Not in fear anymore.

For those reading this, thank you. From both me and my little boy - who looks more like Jo every day.

And to my Island Princess, thank you so much for all that you have said and done these last few months. I love you, x

30,004

Sat, 15 Mar 2008 02:08:26 GMT

This blog has just reached, for me, a key number - over 30,000 page views.

I find this hard to believe - that I have written something interesting enough to keep folk coming back. Thank you to everyone that has been reading, and to those that have left comments or added me as a friend. It has meant a lot to me to know that there are people out there. More than you could possibly understand.

My trip to meet my new special friend was amazing. We share so much in common, including a sadness.

I met her (respecting her privacy, so no names) because of the club no-one wants to join.

WAY (Widowed and Young) has a very strong online prescence - a messageboard and a chatroom. I originally spent a great deal of time in both. I still do, but not as much as in the early days last year; June through to December. I think we spend more time on Facebook (and me on Myspace).

My Island Princess was the first person to contact me from the WAY messageboard - after reading this blog and noting some strong resonances with her own 'journey'. More than just strong, her husband died from the same disease in almost the same circumstances as Jo. So, we have more in common than most members of our club.

She is also from the north and living in the south (although from the wrong side of the pennines) with one child.

There are a lot of differences too - but (to quote a phrase) vive la difference!

So far, me and H have travelled to the Island twice - and had a fantastic time on both occasions - and we have had a grown up weekend together at a hotel in Solihull.

As she said to me - she is my every other weekend girl.

Solihull was an interesting weekend. This was the AGM of the WAY foundation. Apart from the chance to spend time with my new lady without children (or dogs!) I got to meet up with online friends, WAY pals I had already met, new friends - and to hear people speak at the 'main event' on the Saturday.

The lady from Winston's Wish was my highlight. Along with the quiz from Mahmud and Shaz. I think that M and S are brilliant - S did sooo much to organise the event, but I know that M supported her so well through this, and that he does so much for our organisation all the time.

It was also great to spend some time with my new little sister - the pink princess. I just hope she realises how important she is to me now. She is an inspiration - an example of how to cope with more kids than hands, and still be smiling. What a gal. And she knows she is invited down here whenever she wants, with the entire brood x

The next time with my new squeeze (wow) is the coming bank holiday. Strike permitting (conveniently, on the same day as she travels) my princess, her daughter and dog will be in our mighty town on 20 March.

I cannot wait, and am back to counting sleeps.

She truly is a wonderful lady. I feel so lucky to have made such a strong connection with someone who shares so much. I'm not sure I could connect with anyone else - with anyone who doesn't 'get' it without having been there. We know so much, so that we don't need to discuss it all. But - we both know that we can bring up, talk about, mention our lost partners and understand that it won't 'hurt' the other. in fact, we know it's healthy and normal.

The only barrier we have found so far is a physical one. As my wonderful lady puts it - the f*cking Solent. She has found out that Tesco vouchers can be use to pay the ferry. The only reason I have ever found to use a club card.

We both know it is early days - but both wear our hearts on our sleeves, and both agree that we are 'all or nothing'. I am enjoying the texts, online chats and weekends together.

Who knows, one day soon we might be as close physically as we are emotionally. Hope so, x

How to talk to a widower

Tue, 29 Jan 2008 13:02:51 GMT

I was recommended a book, via the WAY messageboard and then by someone I chat to on Messenger. ‘How to talk to a widower’ by Jonathan Tropper.

So far, I am enjoying it, which I know may sound an odd word to use. There are many mirrors within it to my new life - much that is very different though. It’s an easy read, and has a nice sense of humour about what could be very morbid.

It has also made me think more about Jo’s grave – and her gravestone. It’s time to sort that out now. I know what she would want, not that we talked specifically about it. Just something simple - her name, her dates, maybe a carving of an iris and one short line from something. Perhaps her poem about Harvey. I just need to contact the person in charge of the cemetery, and a mason – which I promise I will do soon.

About half way through the book, I found this passage. I think it explains why I don’t visit the cemetery very often:

“I’ve learned that visiting the cemetery just doesn’t work for me. I’m simply too caught up in the morbid physicality of it all. In the weeks after Hailey’s death I tried to get used to it. I would come and sit on the lawn beside her grave and make halting attempts at one-sided conversation, but I just couldn’t make myself believe there was anyone listening, and even if I could, talking to the grave made no sense to me. If there’s an afterlife, and they can hear you, shouldn’t they be able to hear you from anywhere? What’s the theory here, that talking to the dead requires range, like a cell phone, and if you are too far the call gets dropped? I know that if I were a spirit, the last place you’d find me haunting would be my grave, watching my body rot. I don’t like looking in the mirror on my best days.
And so, without fail I would end up looking into the grass, picturing her coffin six feet below.”

For me, Jo isn’t there. That’s just a place to visit – hopefully somewhere that Harvey can connect with on those special dates. I wonder if once we have a marker, it will become more of a focus for him? We only tend to visit now and then. Sometimes I suggest it, sometimes he does and I know that sometimes Jo’s mum takes him, which pleases me. We never stay long though. Like Mr Tropper said above, Jo isn’t there. For me, Jo is in Harvey – and always will be.

The book also looks at ‘moving on’. The main character is always being pushed,by his family, his friends, to ‘move on’. To engage with life again, and make a fresh start.

I feel a certain empathy with him – the dichotomy of being a grieving partner, but also still a human being. And a young one at that (not 40 yet mate!).

Guilt has played such a large part in my life for some time now. Am I doing the right thing for Jo, am I caring enough for her, could I do more, etc.

Lately, it has been ‘am I grieving enough?’. I can see now that this actually means ‘Do I think I am being seen to grieve enough by my family, Jo’s family and our friends’. I was also worried that I was perhaps being seen to be moving through the grief process far too fast.

What garbage! And I am glad that I can finally see this now. I think that joining WAY, talking to other widow(er)s and making new friendships has helped me to move through this mindset.

I have also found new connections in my life, unexpected ones. I haven’t been searching for anything, anyone - but something, someone, has found me. And I am happy. Such a small simple word, but fairly loaded.

We’ll both have a better understanding of what the future holds soon but, right this minute, it is right and real and scary and exciting - to need and be needed.

Three more sleeps!

Rod

Thu, 27 Dec 2007 12:57:12 GMT

We have had a Weymouth, a Leeds and a Bradford Christmas so far this week. And they have all gone fine, with only one slight wobble from us both. Not bad for our first without Jo and my Dad.

Christmas Day at my auntie's ended bizzarely. I would never have imagined having to help rod the drains after the toilet blocked. That's enough on that one anyway!

H is now a guitar hero, I'm so proud. My stepdad connected him up to some pedals and a Marshall amp - and he has been promised his Fender if he learns how to play. Dave Grohl, watch out.

It's nice to be with family (and not to have to cook!) and to see H being happy, especially with Lyd and his cousin William (who's 18 months, and has learnt H's name).

The time is going fast though, and we're hurtling towards the new year. I wonder what that will bring?

Our world tour of England will continue then, with a trip to the Isle of Wight to see another of my new, and very special, friends. Can't wait!

See you all next year.

Radio

Wed, 19 Dec 2007 13:13:33 GMT

The BBC have taken the radio interview and pre-recorded stuff from yesterday and have made a web page

It looks like I now own the BBC! They have added a link to WAY - which makes me very, very happy.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/dorset/content/articles/2007/12/18/christmas_bereavement_feature.shtml

Christmas

Mon, 17 Dec 2007 20:31:48 GMT

I’ve been reading that a lot of people who are in the same situation as I am are dreading Christmas. Too many happy people wishing you all the best, and the pressure to enjoy yourself. The memories coming back of all that has gone before, and the knowledge of what their wife/husband/partner is missing out on.

I don’t think that I am normal. I am not dreading it. I’m not overjoyed, but it all feels like more of the same to me.

Yes, there’s more pressure to conform to the merriment – but not too much. Everyone knows that this is going to Harvey’s and my first Christmas without Jo, and are doing their best to help, and to ease us through the holiday season.

It's just another first - and we've managed to get through all the others fine. I think that, often, the lead up to a 'first' is actually worse than the day itself.

Maybe I’m also trying to test myself? By volunteering to talk about this first Christmas, and what it means, through various media outlets.

On video (via the BBC)
On radio (BBC again, more later)
In the press (might be in the Mirror, not sure yet).

I don’t mind though – it all helps to promote WAY.

If I can get even just one person to join and so access the fantastic folk available, I’ll be happy. A little Christmas present for myself.

I know that I wouldn’t be in the state I am today, or sane, if it wasn’t for the contact I have had with people through the WAY chatroom. The great friends that I have now made – who are now and will always be much more than just 'online'. People who instantly 'get' me.

Especially A, C, D and R. I’m not going to embarrass them with names – but YOU know who you are, x.

Having the ability to check what others are doing, to see if they can help with advice or (very occasionally) actually offer advice of my own, has also helped to ground me and get me through the very difficult first few months.

Anyway. I mentioned in an earlier blog (15 November) that Siobhan of Radio Solent had interviewed me. This is now going to broadcast tomorrow morning and I have also ended up agreeing to be on air live too. I'm not sure how this will go. It's easy on here - I can edit until I am happy. Not so easy to retype when you're speaking live!

It'll be on air at 7.10am and then 8.10am on BBC Radio Solent. You can listen live on their website at http://www.bbc.co.uk/hampshire/local_radio/index.shtml

This site also has a 'listen again' option for those still in bed. It's the Julian Clegg show, and you can skip forwards in 5 and 15 minute blocks (so go to about 30-35 mins in).

But - it's not just WAY that's got me here. It's Harvey, it's my family and Jo's family, it's all our wonderful friends. They help me day in and day out - in too many ways to bang on about. Thank you, x.

Now, back to myspace. Harvey has made me to add Dave Grohl to my friends list (thanks db) and has asked me to send him a message. I wonder if he'll reply?

Update

Done the interview now. From the 'listen again' link, I am on at 36 minutes and then 1 hour 35 minutes. It'll only be there until tomorrow morning (Wednesday) and I'm trying to find a way of grabbing it from the BBC website.

Videonation

Mon, 03 Dec 2007 02:21:21 GMT

Just a quickie, as it's way pass my bedtime.

The BBC have posted the film they made for Videonation on their website:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/videonation/articles/s/southampton_harvey.shtml

I don't know if it'll be televised at all, but there I am. I hate seeing myself on film.

WAY

Thu, 15 Nov 2007 21:23:06 GMT

I owe so much to WAY. This wonderful organisation (Widowed And Young) has provided a sounding board for worries or questions I might have, including about Harvey, via their messageboard - and the chance to connect with other people on the same journey as me via a live chatroom. No counsellors, no psychologists, no specialists - just a group of people who all share at least one thing in common; being left too early by the person they hoped to be with forever.

In fact, so obsessed am I with this new online community that I have been able to spare everyone who bothers to read this from the meanderings of my mind. I just don't have the time to update a blog, I am far too busy interacting with folk.

This has also led me to create a myspace and a facebook profile and, now and then (LOL), venture into the wonderful world of instant messaging. And playing scrabble on Facebook. So cool.

It feels like a social life, being able to connect to other parents who have to stay at home almost every night in order to care for their most important people (the little people). Some nights, I don't even turn the telly on. Unheard of even just a year ago! Mind you, I'd never miss an episode of Heroes.

This is why I was only too happy to work with the local BBC journalists who contacted me this month. The BBC are doing a series of programmes under the heading of 'Hard Christmas' - and Siobhan from Radio Solent (the lovely lady who interviewed Jo this time last year, and who did a beautiful tribute to her on the radio on the morning of Jo's funeral) has interviewed me and asked me to appear live on their breakfast show next week.

Not definite on a date yet, but it may be on Thursday 22 November. Once I know, I will post a message and a link. The link will work live and for the next 24 hours.

On top of this, one of the Radio Solent presenters came to video Harvey and me for Videonation. Again, this is for the same series. He has told me that it will appear on the website, and will be offered up nationally to be used on BBC TV.

My main reasons for agreeing to this was to try and help get the word about WAY out to anyone in this region (or nationally, maybe) who hadn't yet heard about them. I only hope I did them justice, and helped to repay the debt I owe them.

Unfortunately this, combined with a night out for me, where Harvey stayed at a friends, led Harvey to have a bad few days. He has been clutching at his stomach, crying, claiming to be in pain - and getting very, very upset. But - only when I am around, and especially just before his tea.

I know that there is nothing physically wrong with him. I have my spies (his wonderful teacher and his brilliant childminder) keeping an eye on him - and they reported that he was fine, if a little quieter than normal. But still able to trampoline!

I think he just finds it very hard to talk about Jo, and his loss - he just doesn't have the vocabulary to match his emotions, so it hurts him. Tonight was much easier though. Maybe because he managed to sleep (almost) all night - and I have tried to be a bit more strict with him - refusing to accept his pleas for medicine, and just calmly returning him to bed. A bit like training him again.

Anyway, he ate his tea (very kindly prepared by Sarah for us, x) and went to bed without a murmer. And he read the whole of his book for me. Not a peep now since 7.30pm. Fingers crossed!

Anyway, I'm off now - a friend needs help with scrabble!

Balloons

Mon, 22 Oct 2007 15:40:45 GMT

Here's a toothless Harvey from this morning (his toothfairy is now called 'Tiptoe' - thanks Nana Nisey) and him letting the balloons go by the side of Jo's grave.

Friends had already been down, so I added a letter from little Jo that she'd left there - she agreed that it was fitting.

Harvey insisted that everyone came back here so, after coffee, tea, chocolate milk and cake, we're alone again. It seemed to go okay. Another milestone passed.

Windows Live Spaces

Birthday

Sun, 21 Oct 2007 20:12:24 GMT

Tomorrow should have been Jo's 34th birthday. I'm not too sure yet how the day is going to go - at least the weather looks good, so after visiting her grave with Harvey, Camiel and Kerry we can have lunch at 'our' place. The Cafe Oasis.

I wasn't sure what to do for the day. What Harvey would need. I did ask my WAY friends, and have followed through on some of their suggestions. So tomorrow will start with 'hunt the helium balloon'. This way, we can write messages to Jo and let them go into the sky. For me, this seems better than just leaving them on the grave, as she isn't there.

To be honest, the only place I still see her is in Harvey.

I've also dedicated a tree to her in a local forest. I know she wanted a green burial with a tree, but this is the nearest we could manage.

I had Harvey's parent's evening as well last week (apostrophe in that place on purpose - I was alone!). I'm so very proud of him. His teacher (the deputy head) had nothing but good things to say about him. She has really done extremely well in supporting what should, by rights, be the most difficult year of his life. I think she has a soft spot for him (who wouldn't!) and I am so glad he goes to that school. I am still amazed when he reads for me. One of the most special gifts.

It's half term now (convenient for tomorrow), so I have a few days off to spend with him. We did another long bike ride today, and he helped me in the garden. I love it when he's in such a great mood. He even went to bed without complaining. Or maybe that had something to do with the toothfairy's impending visit? No. 4 fell out whilst eating tea tonight.

Not only is he expecting cold hard cash, but he's left a note for the fairy, asking her what her name is! He thinks it's going to be very unsual, so I've got some research to do before I sneak back in there!

Roll on tomorrow.

I still love you Jo. Happy birthday, from your boys x

Lizards

Sun, 07 Oct 2007 22:48:03 GMT

I've been working my way through firsts.

First day back at work, first week back to full time, first meetings with colleagues, first time alone to the 'what to expect this year from school' meeting.

All of them proving tricky, but all of the passed. There's more to come though - first birthday without her (her's, not mine - she should be turning 34 on 22 October), first Christmas, first New Year's Eve.

I've no idea how I will react to all these dates. I've just got through another one - Saturday was the 6 October. That's 4 months since Jo died. I think my friends were more worried about that one than I was.

To be honest, all days feel crappy - just because there's a 'special day' doesn't really make things worse. How could it. It's about as bad as it could get already.

Harvey and I visited Jo's grave on Saturday, and laid some flowers. We don't do this enough. The only excuse I have is lack of time now I'm back at work. I'd cut some Marsh Mallows and Lavender from our garden to make a small bouquet. I'm not cheap, they were both her favourites. She planted them all. We arrived with them. Harvey and I, with due solemnity, removed the old flowers and went to place the new ones - then he sqawked up with 'Look daddy, lizards!'. He was right, two small yellow lizards under the old flowers. This kept him amused while I laid the new flowers and got rid of the slugs.

Sarah knew we were going and had said that she went herself with a Gerbera not long ago. Gerberas were in our buttonholes and were Jo's bouquet when we got married - so very, very suitable. She asked if I minded.

This is to everyone - you do not need to ask permission to visit Jo's grave or lay flowers. Please do this whenever you want. It will in no way upset me or Harvey. In fact, it means a lot to us to know that you all still care.

Now, that sounds like an order. It isn't. Don't now feel that you all have to dash out and get flowers there - that's not what I meant! Just visit, lay flowers, sing a song, do a little dance - whatever - but don't feel that you need to ask me beforehand. But it is always nice to know afterwards if you have been; let me know.

So we were alone on Saturday (apart from handing over my wages to Mr Tesco) - but we were fine. Honest.

We also called into the health food shop we have always used, and bought a couple of things. H demanded something at the till - but I wouldn't buy it. He didn't even know what it was! So the lady gave him a stuffed kangaroo. Nice.

Later, he asked me why she had done that - and I said it was because she thought he was a really good boy.

'Nah,' he said. 'It's because she knows my Mummy is dead and wanted to make me happy.'

He's six - and obviously wise beyond his years. That's exactly why she'd done it.

Saturday ended with Harvey getting his wish - a whole streetful of kids all out on bikes, go-karts, scooters, etc. Enjoying the last few minutes of a warm October day. He even managed to get all the way over his ramp on his BMX. And only fell off it once (laughing!).

I love my boy - he is a star. For quite a while now he's been fab. Not always doing what I say, when I say - but near enough. I just wish I could spend more time with him.

Today was a great day. I got a picnic together and did some fancy footwork with cars (thanks Jon) so that we could join Sarah, Jon and their kids on the Sunday School walk from Preston to Osmington. About an hour's walk, in lovely scenery and on another bonus sunny, warm October day. Harvey didn't moan once - and it was nice to see him with all the other kids. I know that all the families 'know' about us, but no-one felt the need to mention it. Sometimes, it's nice not to have to. Thank you.

We then nipped down to the beach for a coffee and a hot chocolate with another gang of good friends, before nipping back here to have a crosstrainer delivered.

Someone Jo used to work with had read about my weight/gym problems, and sold me her exercise machine so that I can work out at home (in the garage - very American Beauty) and drop some of this widower weight. Thanks Becca.

Now, off to bed so I can be 'fresh' in the morning for work (6.30am starts are starting to grate a little). If I can manage to drag myself away from the ultimate timewaster that is Facebook. You hooked yet? You will be.

Normal?

Sat, 22 Sep 2007 23:14:11 GMT

Harvey and I argued today about something and nothing. This ended with him saying 'I want another daddy!'.

I picked him up and marched him towards the door, opened it and told him to go look for one.

I know that he's only 6 and doesn't really understand what is happening to him and to me, and that I shouldn't act like this. It reinforces the negative thoughts. Trouble is, I can't help it. I no longer have the someone to help me through our changing relationship. Yes, I have friends down here, and Jo's family down here, and mine on the end of a phone - but it's not the same. They're not the same.

Besides, I don't feel right asking for help (not even all that sure what help I could ask for) - I feel like I am intruding on someone else's family - someone else's space. And I know they all say I'm not, and that they want to be there for me and Harvey. I just don't believe them. And now I feel worse; I know they'll read this. I feel so bloody lonely. But, as I have said before, it's not really a lonely that can be sorted by being with people.

Jo's not here. She's gone. The person who I shared everything with, the person who hugged me when it all felt like shit. Even during her last few months, she could still at least hold me occasionally. And I could hold her. I think I held her hand almost the whole time I was alone with her. I miss the physical contact with a partner.

I miss her so much. So does Harvey. Often, shouting matches between us dissolve into his tears and cries that he wants mummy back. I know that this is the root of most of his (not so) bad behaviour.

I don't really want to go back to 'normal' - back to how things were before. We have both been altered by our situation, and have to find a new 'normal', whatever the hell that is.

I swing so rapidly from feeling okay, that I'm coping - to feeling numb, almost ignoring my own son - to overcompensating and letting him rule me. To be honest, numb is probably where I am most of the time. People ask me 'How are you?'. Honestly, I don't know. Which is what I say to them.

I thought that being at work might help, as compensation for having to go back. So far, two weeks in, it isn't. It brings new issues, new problems to block me. Just working out what to wear on a morning is sometimes proving to be a struggle. Everything is so new, so difficult. It didn't used to be this hard.

Maybe it's being forced to deal with reality all day. The past few months I have managed to block that out with fiction - books, films, TV, etc. The only reality I had was Harvey. Now I have responsibilities to my team, the Council and the two assistants that I have to manage, juggle.

I very nearly just deleted all this. It's getting harder to use this blog to vent - too many people I know read it.

I know it's late and that I should be in bed, but I don't want to go. I have tried a tip I read via the WAY bulletin board - I now sleep in the middle of the bed, so that there's not an empty space next to me. Feels better, but I still have to make myself go to bed.

A lot of this blog is because I have borrowed a new book from the library written by Caroline Doughty (a member of WAY), called 'If there's anything I can do ... How to help someone who has been bereaved'. Sorry Caroline, it's not your fault but I have been reading it and going 'Oh yes' or 'That's not happened yet' or crying. It's made me try and put down where I am now. I just wish I had a copy for everyone I know.

Bored

Thu, 13 Sep 2007 22:57:19 GMT

I have now finished my first week back at work. The first proper work for 7 months.

Everything has changed, but everything has stayed the same.

I'm hoping that the enforced structure will drag my brain back from the edge of no-where. If not - then I'll sell the house, and we'll live in a tent until the cash runs out. Which with Harvey's lego and playmobil addictions, shouldn't be too long.

Saturday sees the final lap of the Jo-Rassic Challenge. We're having a few friends (40) around for tea. Well, to the Cafe Oasis in Weymouth. To bring the grand total to a round £11,000 we're having a three course meal, quiz, games and a raffle. Should be great - and big thanks to everyone who's donated prizes for the raffle and to those giving up their time and yet more money to come along.

I was searching online for a t-shirt for Harvey, as I was sure I'd seen one I wanted somewhere. At the moment, no matter what you suggest or ask about, the keyword with Harv is 'Boring'. I did some browsing, but couldn't find what I wanted anywhere. I did find another cool kids online shop though - Stardust Kids. As well as Ts, they gave me a great idea for Harvey's Christmas present - but I'm keeping that between me and Santa, just in case H starts reading this.

I couldn't find the T I wanted on that site either, but I figured that it might be a good enough idea to warrant them making one. So I contacted them with my idea, explained why I wanted it and what H had been through this last few months.

An incredibly kind lady called Geraldine emailed me back, asking for our address as she wanted to send Harvey something. The parcel arrived today, and Harvey and I went into town to collect it from the Post Office.

I was really moved - not only was the T I had imagined in there ('Chairman of the Bored'), but she'd made one up just for him ('Harvey Rocks!') and added two more and a pair of pyjamas. H is normally camera shy, but I told him I wanted something to send to Geraldine, so he posed for me (below). He then wore three of the Ts after school, in succession - and has gone to bed in the pyjamas.

Thank you Geraldine, you've made a little boy very happy (and me!). Now, everyone else - go to their website and buy something!!! http://www.stardustkids.co.uk

Martin and Sarah - you've GOT to get this - http://www.stardustkids.co.uk/acatalog/Unqiue_Baby_Fashion.html

Back

Mon, 27 Aug 2007 22:17:22 GMT

My back has gone. Again. For the first time it hurts so bad that I asked the Doctor (the one that helped Jo so much over her last few months) for help. I have now had 2 sessions with an Osteopath, to see if he can help, and have had an X-Ray.

The X-Ray showed nothing (which is good) and I am hoping that the sessions with the Osteopath will help me get through the weakness in my back.

The 'injury' goes back a long way, to when I was working for my Dad as a steeplejack and popped something lugging around bags of cement. Now, once a year, it re-pops when I do something odd - like stretch to grab H out of the car, or bend the wrong way when picking up something heavy.

It is worse now, and I think it is a combination of being the only person able to move Jo in and out of bed for 5 months - and being trapped in a house every night with nothing to do but roam around looking for food. I think I am about a stone heavier than I was this time last year.

I used to go to the gym three times a week (which helped me to drop nearly three stone) but now I can't get there. That's not going to change either, once I start back at work. In order to fulfil my contract, I will not have the time to go to a gym at lunchtime. And once I am home with Harvey, there's no-one here to look after him if I go out.

One plan is to buy a running machine for the garage, and try to get on it every night. This will cost me though - and I will need a plan for Harvey's night wanderings. A way of knowing if he's up while I am outside - a baby monitor?

That's all by-the-by any way - as I first have to get back to work, get Harvey back to school, get him comfortable with a childminder and find a new routine for us that works. It's a lonely time - a time that should be shared with Jo.

We had a week in Leeds recently - the first time without Jo and the first trip up since my Dad's funeral. Everything feels odd.

I worry for Harvey all the time - we battle a lot at the moment. He tells me that he gets bad thoughts in his head, and that's why he argues, sulks, whinges and hits me. I just hope that time will help him.

I know what he means though - I get the same bad thoughts. But mine just make me sad. I miss Jo so much; I know that lots of people do. I seem to have lost my direction without her - everything feels a bit pointless and not worth the effort. She was my Lady Macbeth. I keep trying for Harvey - but everything is 'boring' in his world (even the stuff I know he REALLY likes).

Harvey asked me when he would be getting a new Mummy. I don't know what to say to that. I'm not sure I ever will.

Go-Cart

Sat, 28 Jul 2007 13:49:43 GMT

Harvey's birthday went really well, considering what has happened over the past few months.

He loved all his presents and plays with his virtual dog (nintendogs) every day. I feel like I got something right! His party also went really well, he had a great time. It's the first time I have seen him really happy at a party in a long while, never mind since Jo died. I did feel proud of myself for organising it, and keeping everyone happy.

Jill (the child bereavement specialist) came and spent some more time with Harvey. At first, he refused to sit with us and kept finding other things to do - avoiding talking about mum (which I know to be true, as I asked him). But after three quarters of an hour he gave in, and sat with us. I showed him the memory box I had found for him, and some of the things I had put in it. I asked him to check that they were all okay and to add or remove whatever he wanted to.

He got rid of her library card - but ended up with one of her head scarfs wrapped around his face, smelling it.

He also decorated the box a bit - smiley faces, arrows and 'I love mummy' all over it.

He's happy now that he knows that the box is his, to be opened whenever he wants. I think he was under the impression that we would lock it away somewhere, to be kept forever.

Last day of school went okay - lots of bags to take home. Year 2 next year! He went to play at a friends on the next day - so I could go and see the Occupational Health Doctor. This went okay - but I need to hear from HR and my Manager about what they think.

Joseph Weld Hospice (where Jo spent 9 days) had their fete last Saturday. The rain stopped just as we got there, so we could have a wander. Harvey just wanted to sit by the arena and watch the dancing and dog shows. One of his teachers was in the belly dancing troupe, and gave Harvey a 'Hello' and a little wiggle - he went red!

It was strange being there - but very different. The large grounds were full of people and stalls- and not empty with wild rabbits like it was when we visited Jo. So not as hard to go as I had thought it would be. We also managed a couple of hours on the beach afterwards, nice.

I invited one of Harvey's friends for a sleepover this week. His first one here. We started on the beach, and the Cresta Run then came back and played in the garden and on bikes. They ate their tea (veggie toad in the hole - success with H, but not his friend) and watched a DVD.

Bedtime - easy for the friend (asleep in seconds) but H was the amazing Yo-Yo boy. He even woke his mate up a couple of times.

Next morning, they came in with me to watch TV - but soon ended up downstairs with the toys. I had volunteered to take H and his friend to see the Chinese State Circus (plus Shoalin Wushu Warriors) along with another friend. SuperDad - me and three kids!!

The other kids were great, but Harvey decided to punch me in the face for clapping too loudly. Maybe he was jealous of the attention he was having to share?

The day after, H wanted to be an artist. So I got out all Jo's old paints and pallette, etc. and he did my portrait, a spaceman and (at his insistance) a still life. I was really impressed so, after junk modelling at the library and the park, we went to buy some cheap canvasses and other bits. I'm glad that he seems to have picked up on Jo's creative side, and that her stuff is being used again.

Yesterday, we waited in all day for a parcel to come. A new go-cart. The day before H's birthday, Jo's Dad sent a card and a cheque - made payable to Jo and me!

After she'd died, I tried to contact him - he lives in Ireland - using the only number I had, a mobile. It never connected, and I assumed he would call here to see how things were. He didn't.

After getting the cheque, I tried again - it connected and I told him. He said he would call back - he hasn't.

Luckily, NatWest agreed to cash the cheque this one time - hence the new go-cart.

He loves it - and looks very cool.

H has gone off with Jo's Mum for the afternoon and night. I am going out to see Jimmy Carr tonight - I need to laugh. I feel really guilty for sending him off - I worry about him all the time. I intended to get the house cleaned, put shelving up in his shed, mow the lawn, weed, etc. etc. So far - haven't done a thing. I lack motivation, hence updating this space!

I have just read an interesting article in the Gruniad about grief and helping people experiencing it. Made me cry reading it. I feel lucky to have the good friends that Jo and I made.

Birthdays

Thu, 12 Jul 2007 08:24:51 GMT

It's the first of my 'difficult days' tomorrow. Harvey is 6 on 13 July - Friday 13th, the same day he was born!

I may be overcompensating, as he has a whole stack of presents from me to open in the morning. I have to get through the day for him.

He seems to be getting more upset recently - whenever we have 'words' he ends up crying, and saying how much he misses Mummy. He started to list things he hated this morning. This really annoys me, so I asked him to tell me about things he likes for a change. 'The only things I like are you and Mummy,' he sobbed.

I stayed up late last night, as I didn't realise the time. I was wrapping his presents and sorting out the 'Pass the parcel'. It's not just me, H is also having trouble getting to sleep - ever more extravagant excuses for why he can't sleep are thought up every night.

The only ‘normal’ night we’ve had for a while was Sunday. During the day we rode 8 miles on our bikes and Harvey went in the sea on his body board for an hour. We then were taken on a trip around the bay in Pete’s boat – very swish and very fast. He even let Harv and Teo drive it. Teo tried to do a James Bond (cutting a boat in half with a speeding boat) and aimed for a sail boat – scaring Pete, me and the poor guy in the boat. Very, very cool though.

All this fun and activity wore my boy out, and he was in bed asleep by 7.45pm. Brilliant! I’ve been lucky to get him to sleep by 8.45pm for the last two weeks.

Only trouble was, this meant I was alone for longer! I can’t win.

On Tuesday 10 July at 1am-ish, a good friend had her baby. A week and 4 days passed the due date, and all healthy. Their third child, she started the day as Dyllis. The Dad was not too keen to start with – and when the nurse came in saying ‘Where’s little Dilly?’ he demanded a change!

Now she’s called Sasha. I hope to meet her soon – as they have given her ‘Joanne’ as a middle name. Very touching.

Decisions

Fri, 06 Jul 2007 09:25:52 GMT

I've never been very good about making decisions - I haven't had to for quite a few years thanks to Jo.

Now it's all on me - everything. And I worry that I could be making the wrong ones.

If I left it to Harvey we would have hot dogs and choobs every night for tea, no school ever (apart from the school fair maybe - and swimming) and the TV on 24/7. To be honest, this would suit me too but I know that I would feel Jo's presence, tutting at my laziness.

I try and avoid the decisions if I can - but some can't be dodged. Like, what after school childcare should I get for Harvey when I return to work?

I'm weighing up the pros and cons of an after school club against a childminder - at the moment, they are pretty even. One pro on the childminder side that might just tip it that way is the consistent female presence he will get. Something he is missing at home.

I can't even decide when to go to bed at night - and seem to avoid it by finding other things to do. One of these 'things to do' is hang out on the WAY chatroom. This often has 6 to 10 other widow/ers, all talking at once and offering support to each other. I like being in there, as I can 'lurk' and just speak up when I have something to say, a comment on what's being discussed. There is no pressure to say anything - a luxury I wouldn't get at a face to face meeting, which they also hold.

I'm finding it hard to be alone in this sort of social situations. I have been to out at parties, meals, drinks, etc. without Jo before - but I always knew I was going home to her, to tell her what had happened, who'd said what to who - who'd said the wrong thing after a few too many (normally me!). Now I don't have that - I can't come home and chat to her about my day. And no-one can really change that. I have friends and family - but it isn't the same.

I feel lonely - but it's not the sort of lonely that can be solved by being with people.

I am trying to get better at making decisions though. I had to meet my manager at work this week, to discuss my return. And I 'decided' to go into the main office to see people. I knew I had to do it at some point - but I still felt a strange sort of panic when I opened the room.

I decided what party to have for Harvey's birthday - and even arranged it all on the same day. I also decided what present to get him - although I kind of know that Jo wouldn't really approve!

Maybe decisions will get easier as I go on - this whole experience has changed me completely.

Harvey (at bed time): It's rubbish just having a Daddy.

Me: Yes, it is.

Jo on film

Wed, 04 Jul 2007 23:08:39 GMT

Here are all of the videos I have added to YouTube - including a new one.

This was broadcast just before 8am on the day of Jo's funeral - 15 June 2007 - on BBC Radio Solent. It includes a short clip from the interview Jo did for them last year:

This is the video she made with Catherine Batten of Rosetta Life at Trimar - which was shown at her funeral:

Finally, the BBC Spotlight report, recorded for Children in Need in November 2006:

Grief

Fri, 29 Jun 2007 11:36:31 GMT

I just found this on someone else's site. It's not in my words, but it pretty much sums up a lot of what I'm feeling.

"Please talk about my loved one, even though she is gone. It is more comforting to cry than to pretend that she never existed. I need to talk about her, and I need to do it over and over.

Be patient with my agitation. Nothing feels secure in my world. Get comfortable with my crying. Sadness hits me in waves, and I never know when my tears may flow. Just sit with me in silence and hold my hand.

Don't abandon me with the excuse that you don't want to upset me. You can't catch my grief. My world is painful, and when you are too afraid to call me or visit or say anything, you isolate me at a time when I most need to be cared about. If you don't know what to say, just come over, give me a hug or touch my arm, and gently say, "I'm sorry." You can even say, "I just don't know what to say, but I care, and want you to know that."

Just because I look good does not mean that I feel good. Ask me how I feel only if you really have time to find out.

I am not strong. I'm just numb. When you tell me I am strong, I feel that you don't see me.

I will not recover. This is not a cold or the flu. I'm not sick. I'm grieving and that's different. My grieving may only begin 6 months after my loved one's death. Don't think that I will be over it in a year.

For I am not only grieving her death, but also the person I was when I was with her, the life that we shared, the plans we had for watching our child grow, the places we will never get to go together, and the hopes and dreams that will never come true. My whole world has crumbled and I will never be the same.

I will not always be grieving as intensely, but I will never forget my loved one and rather than recover, I want to incorporate her life and love into the rest of my life. She is a part of me and always will be, and sometimes I will remember her with joy and other times with a tear.

Both are okay.

I don't have to accept the death. Yes, I have to understand that it has happened and it is real, but there are some things in life that are just not acceptable.

Please don't tell me I can find someone else or that I need to start dating again. I'm not ready. And maybe I don't want to. And besides, what makes you think people are replaceable? They aren't. Whoever comes after will always be someone different.

I don't even understand what you mean when you say, "You've got to get on with your life." My life is going on, I've been forced to take on many new responsibilities and roles. It may not look the way you think it should. This will take time and I will never be my old self again. So please, just love me as I am today, and know that with your love and support, the joy will slowly return to my life. But I will never forget and there will always be times that I cry.

I need to know that you care about me. I need to feel your touch, your hugs. I need you just to be with me, and I need to be with you. I need to know you believe in me and in my ability to get through my grief in my own way, and in my own time.

Please don't say, "Call me if you need anything." I'll never call you because I have no idea what I need. Trying to figure out what you could do for me takes more energy than I have. So, in advance, let me give you some ideas:

(a) Bring food or a movie over to watch together.
(b) Send me a card on special holidays, her birthday, and the anniversary of her death, and be sure to mention her name. You can't make me cry. The tears are here and I will love you for giving me the opportunity to shed them because someone cared enough about me to reach out on this difficult day.
(c) Ask me more than once to join you at a movie or lunch or dinner. I may so no at first or even for a while, but please don't give up on me because somewhere down the line, I may be ready, and if you've given up then I really will be alone.
(d) Understand how difficult it is for me to be surrounded by couples, to walk into events alone, to go home alone, to feel out of place in the same situations where I used to feel so comfortable.

Please don't judge me now - or think that I'm behaving strangely. Remember I'm grieving. I may even be in shock. I am afraid. I may feel deep rage. I may even feel guilty. But above all, I hurt. I'm experiencing a pain unlike any I've ever felt before and one that can't be imagined by anyone who has not walked in my shoes.

Don't worry if you think I'm getting better and then suddenly I seem to slip backward. Grief makes me behave this way at times. And please don't tell me you know how I feel, or that it's time for me to get on with my life. What I need now is time to grieve.

Most of all thank you for being my friend.
Thank you for your patience.
Thank you for caring.
Thank you for helping, for understanding.

And remember in the days or years ahead, after your loss - when you need me as I have needed you - I will understand.

And then I will come and be with you."

Photo Album: Easter 2008

Sat, 12 Apr 2008 21:04:00 GMT

Easter 2008

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Photo Album: Island holidays

Mon, 17 Mar 2008 21:51:07 GMT

Island holidays

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More Photos...

Photo Album: Christmas2007 (our first one)

Thu, 27 Dec 2007 12:57:13 GMT

Christmas2007 (our first one)

Spy Kid and Grandy

Thanks!!!

Thankyou Ali, it's perfect

Guitar Hero

Go Go Power Rangers

Masterclass

The Rocking Dogs

Me and Mum

Auntie Barbara. Don't ask.

Photo Album: 22 October - Birthday

Mon, 22 Oct 2007 15:36:23 GMT

22 October - Birthday

Teeth!

Messages for Mummy

Off they go

Photo Album: Birthday

Mon, 16 Jul 2007 22:43:45 GMT

Birthday

Presents - must have presents!

Spy cake

Hose pipe ban

Pass the parcel

Photo Album: 06 July: Happy family

Fri, 06 Jul 2007 09:01:53 GMT

06 July: Happy family

October 2006

Photo Album: 15 June: Funeral

Fri, 15 Jun 2007 19:53:01 GMT

15 June: Funeral

Carriage

Photo Album: Jo-Rassic Challenge - Day 2: 03 June

Sun, 03 Jun 2007 21:16:43 GMT

Jo-Rassic Challenge - Day 2: 03 June

Collecting from Lisa

Give me money, it's for my Mummy

Just a few of the throng

The kids get there first

At the clock

Come on, keep up!

On the Esplanade

Where's the champagne?

Proud husband and son

Stop taking my photo - I need to do my hair and make-up!!!

More Photos...

Photo Album: Jo-Rassic Challenge - Day 1: 02 June

Sat, 02 Jun 2007 19:20:39 GMT

Jo-Rassic Challenge - Day 1: 02 June

Harvey on the tram at Seaton

Lloyd showing his Russian heritage?

Lunch stop

Brilliant - early lunch

Which way now?

Lyme Regis - 4.10pm

Checking the tide times

Off to Charmouth