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Chris and Harvey's spaceLife after Jo - or how to be a widowed parent |
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May 19 Happy Not sure I will update this for quite a while - it might even disappear soon. Just know that I am happy. Very happy. The time for sharing with the world may be over - it's time to protect the privacy of all those closest to me. thanks, x November 05 Job 'n' stuff I started with Weldmar Hospicecare Trust on 15 October 2008. There was nowhere within the Fundraising team for me to sit (the team I am part of), who are based within the Hospice itself. So, for a while at least, I am based with the IT Team on Poundbury. It is very, very different being here from being with the council. For one thing, it's very quiet. Everyone has their heads down, getting on with work. I have been used to more chatter, and more wild tangential conversations with PR folk. But, it has meant I have also managed to get my head down too, and get stuck into the new work. I do like the people I am working with though - at least they are normal! At the moment, I am doing UAT on the new CMS that Weldmar bought to manage their new website. Unfortunately, it's not really a CMS - more a tool for managing page content. I can't move pages around between 'parents' - there is no media library for controlling documents and images - there is no workflow for allowing other users to create content that I then approve, etc., etc. All very different from the system I have been using for the last few years. I'm sure I'll get used to it - but in the last few days I have added around 30 items to the 'issue tracker' being used to catalogue my testing. I just hope that they can sort them all out. I have also been looking at the various other means of interacting with people connected with the Trust - whether they are patients, family, staff, professionals, donors, fundraisers, etc. As the new site is a way off (the new year at least) I figured that using the tools I understand (and a few new ones!) I could start to build up a following for the Trust within 'social media'. So far, I have created a YouTube channel (but the video I have is too long by 1 min 30 secs - so hoping to get a re-edit of it soon) and a Facebook page. So far, the Facebook page is working out fine - I published it just before I started and it has 67 fans. If you fancy it, add yourself as a fan - anything to keep my viral marketing going! Once the new website is up and running, I'll be posting a lot more on there. I have added the new video that the Trust has made - presented by Martin Clunes. I am also trying to create an eBay Charity Shop for the Trust - but I'm currently in a PayPal/eBay loop. All down to the Trust's bank not doing electronic Direct Debits. The Director of Finance is trying to help me (but I think I am starting to annoy her now!). Yesterday, I attended a webinar - all about the use of online tools to raise awareness and funds. It was kind of useful, I'd read or heard a lot of this before - but it has sparked a few ideas for me. And I have done a lot of reading, and surfing - which feels strange. I feel like I am wasting time, and not doing my real work - but it all helps to keep me up to date with what's happening, and my attempts to try and find new ways of interacting with the 'audience'. One site I have been playing with (I signed up 2 years ago, but never used it) is Twitter - at the moment I am only following a few people, so it's quiet but fun - http://twitter.com/chrisandharvey I have yet to work out how the Trust can use it - any ideas anyone? One thing I am still not used to (and I know it'll change) is the sudden drop in email traffic. No-one knows who I am yet - so I don't get the endless avalanche of messages that I had at the council. In a way, I miss it - but also don't!!! The hours are fixed (9 to 5), so I now get the chance to take H to school every morning. This makes me happy, being able to see him off (the extra hour in bed is great too!) - but I do have a mad race across country roads in order to get to work in time. Bloody relief road now!! I have, once again, been helped by all my friends during the school holidays. I couldn't manage without their help - they are such a kind bunch, treating Harvey like an extension of their families. I still feel guilty for asking for help - I always will - but know that there really isn't any other way we could manage. The weekends still loom most weeks - two days of trying to find stuff for me and H to do. I don't like calling the others, I feel like I am barging in on their family time. They don't need two interlopers harassing them. I have managed to fill most - and some with new and exciting experiences. We went to our first ever music Festival this year - H is now a big fan of Gary Numan (his first love will always be Angus Young though). It did rain a little bit during the weekend (well, a month's rain in one day - mud! mud! mud!) but we loved it. Lulworth Castle had a battle re-enactment weekend - which Harvey thought was brilliant. What boy doesn't like guns and swords? It was great to get so many friends along too. It makes things a lot easier on me if H has someone else to play with. I just don't play like the other kids do! White Air was also great - the Red Arrows, skateboards, mountain boards and BMX. I think H loved the motorbikes best though - he even pushed his way through the crowd to grab a signed poster. Different from the timid lad of just 2 years ago. My princess and I have also managed a few nights/days without the kids. Time to ourselves, which has been lovely. Again, this is thanks to friends who offered to have H overnight. She is a gorgeous, wonderful lady is my princess. We both understand the emotions that revolve around our losses, and can talk freely about our dead partners. It is still early days though, for both our relationship and for the bereavement process. It would be fantastic if we both had the freedom to be closer together more often - but jobs, friends, schools and everything else mean that this won't be possible for a long time. But - it does feel exoic to have a lady who lives overseas, and it is exciting each time H and I make the journey to the island. I am really happy with how things are, I think she is too. And, I really do love her. It took me by surprise - but it is real, and makes me feel so warm! Christmas is looming though - never a great time for people like 'us'. A reminder of what we have lost (more poignant for my princess than me). I am trying to focus on the good though - some time off work, with H and my family up North. A chance to spend some time with my lady, I hope. A chance to spoil my little lad, and the rest of my family - both relations and the wider extended one I feel part of. Sparklers tonight - and watching my Council Tax go up in smoke - hope you all have a great Fireworks night. Not a bad way to celebrate a new world is it? July 15 New startI made a promise to myself that I wouldn't make any big changes in my or Harvey's lives for at least a year after Jo had died.
I know that I already broke that promise a little, with a new relationship. This is still strong - and we see each other as often as possible. In fact, I am meeting her tomorrow for a little shopping trip.
Anyway, back to my point.
On 5 June (one day before the year was up) I was shown an advert for a job opportunity in the local paper. So, I put in an application in just to see what happened.
I had a mild panic attack when I was sent a letter inviting me to interview. I also had to do a 10 minute presentation on my ideas for an e-commerce strategy. This was the tricky bit for me, but in the end was quite fun.
Well, I accepted the job this week, and told my work colleagues today.
I am now on 13 weeks notice - and will then start as Web Manager & e-Commerce Developer for Weldmar Hospicecare Trust.
Can't believe that this has happened. I get to do a job I am good at, for an organisation that I respect, and that helped Jo, Harvey and I so much. And for a bit more money too! I am so happy, but scared too.
Typically, I am also in the middle of helping to raise funds for Weldmar.
If you want to help us - then have a look at http://www.justgiving.com/jorassicjaunt
June 06 12 MonthsHarvey and I have just reached the 12 month barrier. This time last year I was helping Harvey understand that Jo had just died.
From now on, we cannot say 'this time last year' anymore. Everything has changed for us.
So much has happened in one year. Harvey has turned six (nearly seven now); I have returned to work full time; Harvey has a new routine for before and after school; I have made some very close new friends and have met an incredible lady.
I promised myself that I would make no big changes in our lives within the first year - but that went out the window after my first trip to the island in February.
Now I am thinking more about our future (mine and Harvey's). I am still uncertain about what will happen in the next few years. I am not keen to change too much, too quickly - but I am aware that change is the one true constant. I am a planner - I like to know what's happening, and when. But now I can't. Jo was always so certain about what we were doing, and where we were going in life. Now, I have to make those decisions and it's really, really hard. Even finding a new car after my other one was written off became a complete drama for me.
I'm sure it will become much easier as we travel on - especially when my little lad starts to make his own decisions about life.
Today has gone in a bit of a blur. I tried to go in to work - but only lasted a couple of hours before I felt the need to leg it. I think that everyone at work was surprised when I went in - but not when I ran away.
I spent about an hour or so at Jo's grave, first of all tidying it up with my shears and then just sitting in the sunshine, thinking about her and what she would be saying to me if she could. I could hear her laughing and joking with Harvey - sharing our love for him and each other.
Jo's friends (Jo, Sarah and Cheryl) came to see her too, and they also laid some flowers, stones and shells. It's a shame that I hadn't ordered her stone in time for today - but I am sure she would have understood. We then went to the beach for lunch, and met Esther, Jo's Mum and Sister and other friends at Jo's favourite spot. Little Jo had the Scallops in Big Jo's honour.
I am now sitting in the garden - and I can 'hear' Jo telling me to mow the lawn and do some weeding. Harvey has gone off with Jo's sister for an adventure, so I have an hour or so to myself. I'm not sure I like being alone anymore.
I am so glad that I have so many friends around. Ones here, in person - and those online. Both have helped me get to where I am now. Looking to the future, and wondering what will happen. Not in fear anymore.
For those reading this, thank you. From both me and my little boy - who looks more like Jo every day.
And to my Island Princess, thank you so much for all that you have said and done these last few months. I love you, x March 15 30,004This blog has just reached, for me, a key number - over 30,000 page views.
I find this hard to believe - that I have written something interesting enough to keep folk coming back. Thank you to everyone that has been reading, and to those that have left comments or added me as a friend. It has meant a lot to me to know that there are people out there. More than you could possibly understand.
My trip to meet my new special friend was amazing. We share so much in common, including a sadness.
I met her (respecting her privacy, so no names) because of the club no-one wants to join.
WAY (Widowed and Young) has a very strong online prescence - a messageboard and a chatroom. I originally spent a great deal of time in both. I still do, but not as much as in the early days last year; June through to December. I think we spend more time on Facebook (and me on Myspace).
My Island Princess was the first person to contact me from the WAY messageboard - after reading this blog and noting some strong resonances with her own 'journey'. More than just strong, her husband died from the same disease in almost the same circumstances as Jo. So, we have more in common than most members of our club.
She is also from the north and living in the south (although from the wrong side of the pennines) with one child.
There are a lot of differences too - but (to quote a phrase) vive la difference!
So far, me and H have travelled to the Island twice - and had a fantastic time on both occasions - and we have had a grown up weekend together at a hotel in Solihull.
As she said to me - she is my every other weekend girl.
Solihull was an interesting weekend. This was the AGM of the WAY foundation. Apart from the chance to spend time with my new lady without children (or dogs!) I got to meet up with online friends, WAY pals I had already met, new friends - and to hear people speak at the 'main event' on the Saturday.
The lady from Winston's Wish was my highlight. Along with the quiz from Mahmud and Shaz. I think that M and S are brilliant - S did sooo much to organise the event, but I know that M supported her so well through this, and that he does so much for our organisation all the time.
It was also great to spend some time with my new little sister - the pink princess. I just hope she realises how important she is to me now. She is an inspiration - an example of how to cope with more kids than hands, and still be smiling. What a gal. And she knows she is invited down here whenever she wants, with the entire brood x
The next time with my new squeeze (wow) is the coming bank holiday. Strike permitting (conveniently, on the same day as she travels) my princess, her daughter and dog will be in our mighty town on 20 March.
I cannot wait, and am back to counting sleeps.
She truly is a wonderful lady. I feel so lucky to have made such a strong connection with someone who shares so much. I'm not sure I could connect with anyone else - with anyone who doesn't 'get' it without having been there. We know so much, so that we don't need to discuss it all. But - we both know that we can bring up, talk about, mention our lost partners and understand that it won't 'hurt' the other. in fact, we know it's healthy and normal.
The only barrier we have found so far is a physical one. As my wonderful lady puts it - the f*cking Solent. She has found out that Tesco vouchers can be use to pay the ferry. The only reason I have ever found to use a club card.
We both know it is early days - but both wear our hearts on our sleeves, and both agree that we are 'all or nothing'. I am enjoying the texts, online chats and weekends together.
Who knows, one day soon we might be as close physically as we are emotionally. Hope so, x |
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